i was looking back at things i wrote over the past year
you know, the tender things. things i could never bring myself to share on my blog
my writing was/is my therapy. i can’t tell you how much it helped me.
if you know me in real life…i am strong, i am stubborn, i am free spirited.
i never admit defeat.
i am not insecure or jealous…well at least to the point of being obvious about it.
i don’t trust easy.
and i don’t need anyone.
i never ever show fear…even when i am terrified inside.
i am not weak or sappy
i am strong and stoic
this is a letter i wrote to LB, in the thick of my sadness. of my fear. something so honest it made me cry re-reading it.
not sure if i ever posted this before…so i thought i would now.
i never shared it with her…but i guess it won’t be a secret for too long! lol
nothing lasts forever.
i know this.
i am not one to believe in forever, but my oh my you make me hopeful.
in the past couple of months i’ve been dealing with so much loss.
so much pain and anger – wondering how it is even possible that your own family can stop loving you.
if your parents can’t give you forever – how can you believe that anyone else can?
you have been my rock during these months. my hand holder, listener, keeper of my heart.
you listen to all my fears – all my pain…
i am so very thankful for you.
i sat outside last night – the dark sky seemed infinite.
the world seemed quiet – but never ending.
never mind the world – even a whole city block seemed endless.
the thousands of lights burning in the thousands of homes in front of me.
it made me realize that the world is not as small as the saying goes.
i am just a tiny speck in the big scheme of things.
and i love the feeling of feeling so small in this big ol’ world.
i am ok being an introvert. i am ok with having a few close friends.
i am ok with being alone…i love my alone time.
but lately the fear of being alone – without you has been overwhelming.
you can’t promise me a tomorrow – although you’ve been in my life for over 2 decades.
the fear of losing you is real. it’s a panic inside of me….a real god given fear.
everyone i have ever loved has up and left me.
what if you do too?
i try not to think that way. i mean even if you leave…i will learn to live..again…just differently.
i’ve been left before.
but being lonely – without you…
i don’t know if my heart could ever take that blow and recover.
i’ve never loved a breathing soul – the way that i love you.
i’ve never ached at the thought of losing someone – like i do with you.
the here and now – that’s all that matters
you are here…loving me so passionately…so deeply
that i can’t even begin to imagine a world without your kind of love.
the losses have been huge.
they’ve played on my heart…they’ve made me question everything.
sometimes even you.
the losses have been huge…yes.
but i am ok. because i have you.
there would be no greater loss in my life – than losing you.
stay with me.
please…don’t ever leave.