i wanted out of my house at a very young age.
i used college as my out – and really – there was no looking back.
as much as i loved my new independence, my freedom
i missed my mom.
i missed those mom things. hand holding, head rubs, the familiar touch of mom.
and mostly i missed her scent.
when i would visit home…i would sneak into her room
she had this heavy brown robe that she always wore. i would pick it up and put it to my face
and breathe her in
over the years, that never changed.
i remembered when my parents moved from my childhood home – into a brand new one
how devastated i was that the “smell” did not follow
every home has a smell.
it makes it home.
eventually that smell – followed.
and home smelled like home
mom smelled like mom every time she hugged me.
i’ve missed my mom – but anger and stubbornness has ruled my life
after all, i am my mothers’ daughter.
i think anger was my fuel for my survival.
this past week – i have smelled my mom around me
i took out a winter jacket from my closet
and it smelled like my parents home.
i don’t know why – since it’s been in my closet for years.
walking around my home – the scent of her would hit me
and almost as quickly disappear.
every single day in the car – i could smell her.
i would smell my clothes…my jacket…and could not find the source.
but her scent – there is no mistaking her scent.
it was all around me.
making me feel a sadness i haven’t felt for such a long time.
i’ve missed her scent.
as my work day was coming to an end
my 2 coworkers – out of the blue started talking about their daughters
and how much the daughters love their scent
how the daughters will borrow their scarves to breathe them in
or hug them just to breathe them in.
i found it to be such an unusual conversation considering what i had been experiencing.
i will always believe without a doubt – that there is a bond between mother and daughter that cannot be denied
that you can part ways – but still love eachother
that you can fight and utter the words hate, and perhaps never speak again
but the love is there
buried under the anger and hurt.
even when the core of you denies it
it is there
so i told my coworkers what i was experiencing this week…the scent of my mom
one of them said “you need to call her…it’s a sign”
not gonna happen is what i said
and she looked at me and said – she misses you – you are her daughter. call her
not gonna happen i said.
i drove home…and carried on with my night.
i had a bit of a day – alot of car problems and alot of stuff to do at home
i just sat down…and my phone rang
a number i hadn’t seen on my call display for a year.
it was my mom.
do i answer? send it to voicemail?? what do i do?
mom: hi baby.
enter every single emotion possible. in a span of 2 seconds.
there was no attitude – nothing but softness..and awkwardness
we were like 2 strangers trying to find conversation that had substance
we talked about my car – my dad overseas
she told me that she’s been wanting to call me for a week. and my jaw dropped.
i told her the scent thing for the week – and you could hear her trying not to cry
there was nothing achieved, no invite to Sunday dinner
just a mom calling her daughter…to tell her she thinks of her and loves her.
and i loved her back.
and so i sit here – absolutely exhausted, but unable to sleep.
i know how hard that must have been for her. i give her kudos for that…to reach out to me.
that is not something she would ever do.
maybe people change.
maybe they don’t
but tonight. i know…my mom loves me
and right now. that’s good enough.