changes

i’ve never been good with change
at least not while i’ve been in the middle of it

for me, change is terrifying, uncomfortable and it stresses me out.

99% of the time
change is always good

i can never see it when i am in it
but when i reach the other side, i wonder why i didn’t do things sooner

there are a lot of changes going on in my life right now
most good
some bad
and all of them are scary
just too much too fast.

i have been in contemplation mode for a while

i’ve been dealing with an incredible amount of stress
and the only way i know how to deal with it
is to just sweat it out.

i live by the water
it is breathtakingly gorgeous here

i put on my runners, and off i go.

i either run a couple of miles, or i walk
i go on all the trails on the waterfront
and every time i do, i am in awe…as if it’s the first time i’ve been there.

these trails, this place has been my home for almost 2 decades
this is my home
and knowing that i am leaving brings me an incredible amount of sadness.

lately, mid run…i feel my eyes filling with tears…and i cry

i don’t want to leave
and yet i do
it’s time

and i am going somewhere far better
for me
somewhere i can start over
start fresh
start planning a new life and new goals

there will be waterfront trails

just ones that do not know me

there will be new memories
and once i get there i know for certain
i will wonder why i waited so long

don’t get me wrong
i am excited. more than excited
i can’t wait to get outta dodge.

but lately it makes me so sad

this is a huge change,

but i need to remember, this time…change is good.

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by makingthegirl on May 16, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged blogging, changes, exciting, exercise, life, love, new beginnings, relationships, sadness, thoughts, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on May 16, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/changes/

loving mom

i sent my mom a card
but i didn’t want to call her today

our last conversation left alot to be desired

i felt it was more than enough that i sent a card
and acknowledged the day

like i did for her birthday, christmas etc

i have not left one holiday go by without wishing her love

because i do love her
she is my mom after all

i don’t believe in an eye for an eye

but i’d be lying if i said it didn’t hurt a little

all my special days went by without a card or phonecall
you know, my birthday? the day she brought me into this world?
nothing.

i stepped up and was the bigger person.

it kinda burns me when people tell me i should call her…i should visit her

there is only so much i can bend, before i break.

i will not break to appease everyone else

finally…finally
it really is about what’s right for me.

i love you mom
happy mother’s day

love always, me
your daughter

whether you like me or not.

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by makingthegirl on May 12, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged family, feelings, love, mom, mothers day, personal, relationships, thoughts, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on May 12, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/loving-mom/

new beginnings

i couldn’t sleep last night

actually i haven’t slept much in the past 2 months.

i’m a little tired.

i spent the other night packing and purging
and came across a box that was the catalyst of my sleepless night

letters

so many letters

written in a time i cannot even relate to

1980′s, 1990′s

when i was such a different person.
where i no longer recognize myself.

the box is taped up and sitting by the door.
it will come with me
wherever i may go.

this leaving
this leaving is so bittersweet to me

to leave the home that raised me
the place where i became a woman

here i learned what it was like to have a voice
where i grew and became
a strong, resilient woman
the walls that held me when i cried

i ache to stay
but i yearn to go

i am ready
but a small part of me is not.

so many memories
losses, loves, hurts
growth, achievement…lessons. so many lessons
there is a history in these walls
that i just can’t seem to wash away, no matter how hard i try

the walls are bare
the rooms, empty

every corner
clean
as if i never lived here at all
how can that be?

i pick up the box
hand on the door

i can’t stop the tears that fall
they won’t stop falling
and i don’t want to leave

will these walls remember my story?

i lock the door
and give back the keys
wipe the tears from my eyes
and smile.

it’s time

new beginnings

you can’t make new memories
when you live with old ghosts

goodbye sweet sweet home.

please never forget me

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by makingthegirl on May 12, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged blogging, feelings, journal, letting go, life, love, memories, moving, new beginnings, personal, sadness, thoughts, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on May 12, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/new-beginnings/

the joys of stress

It’s been a trying few months
And by trying I mean absolutely grueling, but in a good way.

My stress levels have been at an ultimate high
Through the roof!!!!!

When I am this stressed it can go one of two ways.

I just can’t fathom eating, or I eat my weight in junk…and then some.

Let’s just say my body chose to do the latter.

It’s been a nightmare really. Thinking that I’m still maintaining some sense of control
To waking up one morning and trying on a pair of my capris from last summer and feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut.
Oh the horror of it all.

I mean, they fit. But just because they fit doesn’t mean I should wear them in public

I went shopping last night and bought myself some “fat clothes”
You know, the clothes you wear to cover up your shame at losing all control.

I’ve tried to be active…but only for the past month have I taken it seriously
I know it takes time…and a month is better than nothing
But I am not a patient person…
I just want to wake up in the morning and have the body I had…even before Christmas.

For over a year I have been dealing with huge amounts of stress
Some of the stress has been absolutely painful
And the recent stress has been a good stress.
Whichever way you slice it…stress is stress.

I’m trying not to beat myself up too much
But it’s what I do.
I am disgusted at how I just let myself go.
But maybe I needed to be disgusted to actually do something about it
And so I am.
I just need to realize it takes time.

Life is so busy.
I am non stop from the moment I wake up until I force myself to stop and go to bed.

The next few weeks will be even more insane.

I think once the pace of life slows down, I can concentrate more on myself
Right now…I am so far down the priority list, I am surprised I even know my own name.

I am also stress dreaming – I had a dream last night that I was texting Kesha (the singer) is that even how you spell her name?
I don’t even like her music, and yet she was my bff in my dream.

The more troubling dream was about a friend of mine. He is dying (in real life).
I had a dream that he texted me to tell me he is fine and that he loves me.
This concerns me. Lots.

Talk about adding to my stress.

AND…as if my life weren’t stressful enough, I went ahead and took myself off the pill.
I must be insane.
Most women hate the pill. i…do not. It made my life so much better.
I do believe this is part of the reason I’ve gained weight so quickly.
I loved what being on the pill did for my body…but really, at my age…I should not be taking it
There are huge risks associated…and so for several reasons I decided to stop.

I assure you…my hormones are all over the map.
Just ask LB lol.

She may agree that I’ve been a little on edge…
But she will also tell you…that even with a few extra pounds, I am the most beautiful girl in the world.
Of course she is lying…but it’s nice to hear lol

This is why she is a keeper.

She is my anchor…my life vest.
She is holding me up when I feel like I could drown.

I thank god for her every single day.

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by makingthegirl on May 7, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged blogging, devastated, exercise, life, love, personal, relationships, stress, weight gain, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on May 7, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/the-joys-of-stress/

old ghosts

i am a hoarder of memories
it’s true
i keep everything

i’ve decided i need to stop
everything can’t mean something can it??

well if you live in my head it sure can.

i have letters from my first love when i was 17.
i can’t seem to part with them even though i have no feelings whatsoever for him
i think i keep them because he was my first love
a time where things were innocent, and i was naive.
it’s sweet to look back at the untainted me…in love and all syrupy sweet. lol

i found a box tucked away in my night stand
a small “eternity” box (you know…the perfume)
i opened it up, and there were a million letters in there…
poems, cards, dried rose petals

words like love, adore, forever
flew off the pages at me
these were letters from my last long term relationship
and none of those words applied to us.

usually…or should i say in the past
i would read them all
not hers per say…but any letter i would find while sorting stuff
would take me down memory lane.

this time was different.

i read a couple of words and stopped.
i had no desire to continue

the letters didn’t make me smile…or make me remember
the letters left me feeling very indifferent.
don’t get me wrong. i don’t hate her or anything
i loved her very much during the time we were together

but those times are over
and so are we

i don’t need the letters, or the dead flowers
to pay homage to a relationship that is over
i don’t need anything…because i don’t dwell on my past with her

and so i threw the letters away.

i wouldn’t have been able to do that a couple of years ago.

i thought letting go of things…meant letting go of people
that is not the case

if i ever want to reminisce, i have an endless amount of memories
in my head and in my heart.
besides, these are easier to take with me, wherever i may go.

maybe i’m ready
to let go.

i have everything and everyone i need

i don’t need the writings of old ghosts.

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by makingthegirl on May 1, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged blogging, journal, letters, letting go, life, love, memories, personal, relationships, thoughts, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on May 1, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/old-ghosts/

lesson learned

The last few weeks have been quite the eye opener for me.

I wish I could tell you why, but I don’t feel comfortable airing this news on my blog.
I have a couple of crazies who like to frequent here from time to time
And I don’t want them to know my business…and yet I don’t want to stop writing…
So unfortunately this leaves me feeling the need to be cryptic.
Either that, or shut down this blog completely and start brand new…again.
But that doesn’t seem to keep the crazies away…just buys me time until they find me again.

Anyways…back to my original thought.

I’ve learned some huge lessons, this is for sure.
Lessons on true friendship.

Isn’t there a saying about that? Something along the lines of… you will know who your true friends are when you are going through something life changing?

Well this was my lesson learned.

I am going through something huge. Don’t worry. I am just fine.
But it’s something that changes my life in so many ways.
This is a time I want my friends to rally around me…be there for me
As I would be there for them without any hesitation.

Mostly it’s been a wonderful learning experience.
My friends have been by my side through the whole thing.
Even people that I have always considered acquaintances have totally surprised me…and have been there for me.
This was something I did not expect

And then there’s one person
Who is supposed to be one of my closest friends

She has completely let me down….
Disappointed me in ways I never knew possible.

I did something I normally shy away from…and confronted her about my feelings
Of how I expected more from her.
And she just kept changing the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.

I am a little wounded
But not so much that I lose sleep over it.

It’s true. I’ve just discovered who my real friends are

And I have discovered that there are some I just need to let go of.

In order for me to no longer be disappointed…I have made the decision to pull back.
I invested a lot into this friendship, never asking for anything in return
And now that I ask for her to be a friend, it’s too much.

I am not going to completely write her out of my life
But I am also not making myself available to her anymore.

People need to earn their best friend status
And quite frankly, she’s done a shitty job.
I feel like our whole relationship has been one sided.

So I will keep it casual with her. No longer hold her close like I have for all these years.

I’m ok. A little sad. But grateful for this lesson.

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by makingthegirl on April 22, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged blog, crazy, friendship, letting go, life, relationships, thoughts, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on April 22, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/lesson-learned/

well i won’t do that again

i decided to purchase something off of dealfind

this is nothing new to me, i’ve purchased items off of it before.

anyways…

this deal was for fake lashes

the write up was awesome…like i wouldn’t have to wear eyeliner or mascara
i would have long sexy eyelashes

it would make me look 20 pounds thinner
yadda yadda yadda

we went today to get them put on

i thought that i would be ready for a photo shoot

i was so ready to bring sexy back

there is nothing sexy about falling asleep while the technician was working on me
(you have to keep your eyes closed and not talk for an hour…what else was i supposed to do?)
and i ended up having a full on body twitch that completely embarrassed me

end result?

i have *some* long lashes
sure they are darker

LB said they looked “good” whatever that might mean

but i still need to wear eyeliner and mascara

so i am not sure what they are supposed to do

other than make me look like a middle aged drag queen

total sexy fail

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by makingthegirl on April 21, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged blogging, dealfind, humour, life, relationships, sexy, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on April 21, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/04/21/well-i-wont-do-that-again/

leap

i found a space
that was made for me
it whispered my name
and said
come

my favourite number
not once, but twice
presented itself
and said
don’t you see??

i am what you have been searching for
your whole entire life

take the leap
for once
i was made for you

jump

surrounded by water
and warmth

and new beginnings

i am

i am leaping

risking

running

to you

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by makingthegirl on April 10, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in life

Tagged fear, feelings, letting go, life, love, new beginnings, personal, thoughts, writing

Posted by makingthegirl on April 10, 2013

http://makingthegirl.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/leap/

if it wasn’t for bad luck

i’d have no luck at all.

at least it seems this way.

it dates back to when i was just a wee little girl

stuff like getting hit by a car three times

a limo driving through my garage door

setting my place of employment on fire (ok i didn’t really set it on fire, but it sounds way cooler that way doesn’t it?)

it was a grease fire…and i was there in the middle of it all.
i called 911 and they put me on hold. true story.

or like the time i had to have my gallbladder removed

it was a blessing getting it removed because it caused me so much pain and grief

but then afterwards i developed a condition. i am not even going to get into what it is cause it’s just too gross

it seems that under 5% of people who have their gallbladders removed get this condition.

i’m a lucky girl.

or when i had to have fibroids removed..which was also a blessing…i believe it was 3-5% of people who have had them removed, still manage to grow new ones.

i went for my 3 month check up…and there were my brand new babies…growing like troopers!

i’m a lucky girl.

or what about 15 years ago when i had to have a root canal. actually i think it was longer than that.

i was in so much pain a root canal was a blessing.

theeennnnnn…last week i started to get an ache in my tooth. it got worse and worse as each day passed.

today…i am in some serious pain…and wish i could just rip my tooth out.
this is the tooth i had the root canal done on. so by all rights, i should not be feeling any pain, because in essence this tooth is dead right???

right?

wrong.

apparently i have what is called a failed root canal. my dentist explained how this happens but i can’t remember the details.

You have a 1-3% chance of having a failed root canal.

really you would think my odds were good right?? not so much

so i am going in for another root canal tomorrow. the chances have now doubled in having another failed root canal.

i’m a lucky girl

what makes me even happier about it all?

i used up all my coverage less than a month ago when i went to the dentist

this root canal is not covered

so…i get to pay out of pocket

again…i am such a lucky girl

other than that…life is good lol

making the girl

changes

loving mom

new beginnings

the joys of stress

old ghosts

lesson learned

well i won’t do that again

leap

if it wasn’t for bad luck

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